SFUPS!
by JewelsOfJohto
Summary: Only the weirdest OC donut steel 11/10 would read again fan fiction with no actual plot to ever exist. We'd tell you what SFUPS stands for but it's not rated K content.
1. The Party That Started It All

**This entire work is fictional. Thank god.**

It was a wild night, to put it in a few words.

Natalie and Alina, our two dumb… not heroes? Traveling gypsies? Nobody really knows. Well, they decided to throw a slumber party, for Alina was turning a big ol' 19 years of age. But it sure didn't mean she was getting any big ol' knockers of course. A beautiful strawberry cake was set up in the middle of their living room. There was to be no touching of said cake until after dinner. Right after the super sexy pillow fight which no one won, Eusine and Morty (apartment living in Ecruteak is hard for them. It's like Maison Ikkoku except smaller and there's no love flowing) blew in through the window, and they brought "special treats" for the party. Big, moist, black… brownies. There was a good chance there was a "special ingredient", but Morty's cooking is godly so no one could resist temptation.

Alina thought she saw Natalie stripping down in the corner, so she started freaking out and hid in her sleeping bag. Blue, who was also somehow at the party, joined in too. Nobody knows how he got invited but then again who would question Gary Motherfucking Oak? The sleeping bag started rolling around and jumping wildly… an interesting picture. Eventually (meaning half an hour later), Alina popped out with Blue because she was getting claustrophobic inside. Maybe it was because he's too chubby. Then Natalie hopped in for safety from creepers, and Eusine started to get sleepy and remarked "Oh fuck it, I'm done" and joined in the sleeping bag. He was all up for it though. He stuck his hand out and grabbed some whipped cream from Morty, who was also using it for "special things". Falkner flew in during all of these events, probably just as messed up as everyone else. He grabbed some of Morty's "goodies" and started eating some homemade weed brownies, and by some I mean all of them because he's a big fat emo fuck. Then he slithered on top and started having fun, 'cause the beat was sick, and Morty wanted Falkner to take a ride on his disco stick. Suddenly, the lights went dim… then a spotlight shone over the birthday cake. In the background, Tim Wilson's "Booty Man" started playing, and out of the cake popped out a Blue look-alike in a sexy  
fireman outfit.

"Hey ladies~" the rentable sex machine cooed, "I heard there was a fire and it's getting pretty hot in here."

As the music continued playing, images of shaking butt cheeks flashed against Alina's corneas. Her virgin eyes could not contain themselves. Blue wasn't too impressed, though.

"Hey! I am *hic* ten times sexier than that poser!" he cried. A drunken rage enveloped him and the two were fist fighting. The true Blue won, and the imitator was thrown out the window into the garbage container.

Blue and Alina started making out in a corner away from civilization, because seeing two Garys (Garies? Gari?) was apparently enough stimulation to get jiggy with it. Eventually Natalie and Eusine came out of the sleeping bag, and Alina was too afraid to sleep in it afterwards because some leftover whipped cream was still attached. Her own sleeping bag, contaminated by unmentionable acts of indecency. It wasn't a cheap one either. Morty grabbed Eusine out of nowhere and started doing the buttsecks (God Morty make up your mind). Crash! The sound of glass echoed throughout as Ash and Brock broke through like a married couple, arms entwined. They came to make gay love on the Tempur-Pedic bed, which also adjustable for many positions. Everyone eventually ended up, as the night ended, naked and in a giant orgy, then to sleeping soundly with their partners.

* * *

The next morning, the Pidgey wouldn't shut up, so Blue grabbed his shotgun from some secret black hole and shots echoed out.

"Don't mess with the mother fucking Oak!"

This woke up everyone, and Eusine was questioning why he had whipped cream on his dick. Natalie was questioning why her mouth tasted like whipped cream and dick. Put two and two together and Natalie ran to the shower so she could cry away her disgust over her most hated rival's unrequited fellatio. Apparently Morty and Falkner made a low-budget porno together, and it's circulating the internet right now as we speak. Ash and Brock were taking care of their morning wood together. Alina was chained up naked hanging from the ceiling with no evidence as to how she ended up like that. Then Suicune jumped in the house and Eusine started chasing after it. Natalie got angry and started chasing them both. Morty began to light up a joint, but it slipped out of his hands and onto the ground, setting the apartment complex on fire. This complex also happened to be right next to the ancient Brass Tower. All of the freaks were left homeless, possibly criminals, and searching for a new home in the end.

The End.


	2. The Suicune Hunters

Our story begins on a Sunday, and Sunday means it's shopping time for the majority of our crew. Sunday shopping has always been a big problem. Eusine likes to buy copious amounts of expensive designer clothing, Morty eats all the food in the produce aisle, Alina get distracted by the sparkly goodies, and Natalie… wait, what?

"What do you mean you don't shop at the Goldenrod Department Store?" Alina asked, shocked.

Natalie looked up from her Pokédex. She was spread out on the couch with one leg off of it. "Eeh, I have no desire to."

"No! This is unacceptable, we must bring you there today!"

War-like flashbacks of accidentally walking into the plus-sized department as a child came back, unbleachable from her mind. Big fat bare booty right in Natalie's face. Her face was frozen and dead inside.

"I need an adult." she proclaimed.

"I'm an adult!" Morty shouted from the kitchen, half in the pantry eating snickerdoodles. He ran into the living room, crumbs falling out of his mouth and landing onto Natalie's face. "Hey, what's up?"

"That settles it, we're going off on a quest!" Alina announced.

"To catch Suicune?" Eusine chimed in, who was on the loveseat respectively placed on the opposite side of the couch.

"No! To the Goldenrod Department Store!"

* * *

The height of the department store loomed over the gang. Natalie began to sweat profusely, forming a puddle on the ground.

"Yay! Sparkle sparkle!" Alina ran off to the stuffed animal department.

"GIL-DED-CAPES, GIL-DED-CAPES!" Eusine pranced over to the Super Versace Deluxe mini shop, Morty trailing behind to the "Let's Get Baked!" bakery slash pot head shop.

Alina's eyes were wide open in awe at all the stuffed Pokémon. In the back corner, a cart was placed with a mountain of stuffed items. All the Bellossoms were gone from the shelf, which was what she wanted. But a second glace showed one slightly sticking out of the cart. She went to grab it and was rudely interrupted.

"Excuuuuuuuuuuse me!" Something almost black girl sassy, a pink-haired she-devil jumped out of the cart. It was Whitney, her twin, proudly sporting a valley girl accent.

"Oh eww!" the sass levels were off the charts, over 9000. "It's YOU!"

Alina's face was stark white, a slightly angered gaze made across her face.

"Hey, you started toy shopping without me!" Morty popped up behind, with a bag from Dank "R" Us. "I bought a new bong and everything. Our new bong baby, Sprinkles!"

Whitney made a disgusted face and whacked the bong off of Morty and onto the ground. It made a loud shattering noise and the glass spread outwards across the floor. He looked like he was about to cry.

"Come on Frederick, let's go back to the gym." Whitney pulled on a leash, which revealed her gym guide forced to obey her every wish. "See ya never, loser!"

* * *

Far away, Natalie was nursing a panic attack while checking out sexy bikinis for a future beach trip. While moving left she bumped into someone she never expected to see.

"… Natalie?"

It was her brother, Glenn. "Oh, hey Glenn."

"I never expected to see you back here, ever since that one incident."

She smiled painfully. "Yeah, well I manage… wait, why are you in the women's swimwear?"

His faced was flushed. "It- it's a gift."

Yelling could be heard in the distance, the other three were running up towards Natalie in a frenzy.

"My baby! My baby!" Morty was sobbing his eyes out.

"My sister has left her udder-ly terrifying lair…" Alina explained. "She's back with a vengeance and she destroyed Morty's bong baby."

"She ran into me and tore my cape a nice new hole!" Eusine was royally pissed. "There's only one thing left to do… we gotta kill her."

Morty stopped crying and was shocked. "Duuuuuuuude. That's a little too far."

"No, it's not. Well… maybe not kill her per se, but use her as bait."

"Bait for what?" Alina asked.

Eusine smirked and stroked his chin glamorously.

"Suicune. If it won't come to me, maybe it will work with her. Something about pink hair… I read in an article that pink-haired people put out an aura that naturally attracts rare Pokémon."

"And where did you find that?"

"The internet. It has to be true if it's on the internet!"

"Seems legit."

"First off, we need disguises." Eusine was rummaging through his closet. He threw out a pair of matching neon Jazzercise outfits. "Those should fit you, Morty and Natalie. Alina, you're too small for anything I have."

"I have a workout outfit from my CrossFit days years ago you can borrow, I think." Natalie said.

"I'm wearing my best outfit of course." Eusine was rapidly changing his clothes, but with one leg stuck in a pant hole.

"Which is…?"

WOOSH! He twirled around and he was sporting his beautiful Suicune banana hammock. On certain angles, you could see his Suicune tramp stamp. Natalie looked frightened. Alina looked like she was about to barf. Morty was giving a look of approval.

"Niiiiiiiice. Siskel and Ebert would give that two thumbs up!"

"Don't just stand there! Go and get changed. Oh, also put these masks on." Eusine handed out black surgical masks, but ran short when he came to Morty.

"Oh, whoops, I thought I had enough." He said.

"Nah it's fine." Morty replied. "I'm probably gonna be so blazed I'll just wear my sunglasses."

* * *

Back at Whitney's gym, the she-devil was laughing manically as her Miltank used rollout again and again on an opponent. The poor child opponent was about ready to cry. Whitney was just about to KO her opponent and black him out when suddenly…

CRASH! Our troopers in disguise broke through the skylights and knocked her out. While Morty was stuffing Whitney into the sack, Eusine threw a fit.

"Hey! I told you to wear tights with that outfit!"

"You're just jealous of my smooth and freshly-shaven legs!" Morty started to stroke his one leg sensually. The Pokémon trainer had no idea how to comprehend what was going on.

"Here kid, take this badge." Alina pulled out a Plain Badge she snagged from the corpse and then patted him on the back. After the sack was tied, the gang hauled ass out of the back of the gym doors. A siren could be heard going off in the distance.

"Now what?" Natalie and the rest were out of breath.

"We gotta get back to Ecruteak before…"

Eusine paused. Out in the distance, a "caw caw" could be heard. But it was not the caw of a Pidgey or Spearow or anything similar, oh no. The voice was unmistakably one person and one person's only. He pulled out a pair of retro aviator sunglasses, and then proceeded to take them off in a very sassy manner.

"… Falkner".

Yes, everyone forgot that Falkner was a part of Johto's police force. Too much, in fact he was rumored to be a super hero by night, roaming the skies naked probably whacked out on dope or some other drug fighting crime. A loud thud could be heard on the roof, the bird man was now roosting.

"Caw caw mother fuckers."

"How did he know?" Alina yelled.

"He… he just senses evil. It's hard-wired in his brain."

"I AM THE NIGHT!" Falkner jumped off the roof, junk swinging in the air freely as he lifted his arms up to reveal a cape shaped like bird wings. He then swooped down and knocked Morty squarely off his feet.

"Hey!" Natalie began to charge him, but Falkner put up his hand and then began to whistle a tune. Soon, dozens of flying-type Pokémon started to land on the above phone lines and stare down the gang.

"We have to run now!" Eusine urged the gang to run as fast as they can. They had no choice but to sacrifice Morty and leave him on the pavement. The three ran to a nearby alleyway away from streetlight, hoping to lose Falkner. Eusine heaved the unconscious body bag of Whitney onto the ground and made no noise as the bird man landed on the roof above. Natalie couldn't help but let out a snicker.

"Shh!" Eusine urged Natalie to be quiet.

"I'm sorry… I just remembered how Falkner used to have a bowl cut in middle school."

"Wow… the drapes really do match the carpet." Alina's mute button for her mouth was broken.

"Will you two just shut the fuck up?!"

It was too late, they had been spotted.

"Go, my bird brethren…" he whispered.

Eusine looked up in defeat. "Oh no…"

* * *

Everyone woke up to find themselves covered in bird poop and locked up in Violet City's gym. Falkner, now in uniform and not stark naked, walked up and greeted the gang a good morning.

"So, you tried to kidnap a gym leader, huh?" he asked.

The four groaned in unison. He chuckled.

"Well, you sure didn't get far. Bail is set at 500000. Enjoy your stay for now." he walked away and Morty turned to Eusine.

"Thanks a lot, Skitty Whisperer."

"… Skitty Whisperer?" Alina looked confused.

"Oh, you don't know? Well, Eusine has this ability to attract a bunch of cat-like Pokémon when he opens up a can of wet food. But for some reason, he thinks this can get him Suicune as well."

"But Suicune is a dog-beast like creature…" Natalie added.

"Eeeeeeeexactly."

Eusine started to cry and fell back on the cement floor ready to fall asleep. "Just leave me alone, please."

And so they did.


End file.
